Chris Kirk (right) is now number 303 in the world, with a height of 16th in the rankings
For Chris Kirk, everything felt so much worse when he hadn't drunk a drink.
"My fear of my wave. My fear of money. My fear of my relationships," says the former world number 16.
The American explains to most people who drink too much and a have legitimate reason to quit "find their mental clarity gets better. Their health gets better. All these things get better".
In April, a moment of clarity came in the midst of a hangover mist caused by the session of the previous evening – the father of three had to stop drinking and stop playing golf to concentrate on recovering from are alcohol and anxiety problems.
Kirk felt that his urge for a drink would be "something that I had to fight for the rest of every 15 minutes. My life," but since he quit the sport he has worked with a psychiatrist and sports psychologist, as well as the implementation of a 12-step plan.
Next week, after his self-imposed absence, Kirk returns for the first time in more than six months to the PGA Tour at the Mayakoba Golf Classic in Mexico.
Kirk had already tried that in the past, but those attempts resulted in him returning to alcohol within a few months.
In an interview with the PGA Tour, Kirk says: "For an alcoholic, if you just stop drinking and don't really do anything else and just fight it every day, everything will get worse. That was certainly it case for me, "Kirk adds.
"Everything peaks after that. I found myself in a very bad place, mentally much worse than when I drank."
Kirk says that part of the problem came from leaving it " perfect scenario that I had always dreamed of "- wife, children and a nice house – to spend" almost 30 weeks a year alone on the road ".
"I think this has accelerated my drinking and maybe my fitness level and mental capacity have probably been brought down when my drink went up," he adds.
"I still played reasonably well, but not at the level I was a few years before."
Kirk drank in restaurants with friends and then continued alone in hotel rooms or at home, admit: "There is no trigger, the trigger is me. The PGA Tour did not want to drink during the race and did not want to show up to" really hang out ", but would feel" strange "if he hadn't had anything the night before.
"I just fought and fight it," he adds. "Finally, after a few relapses, if you want to call it that, it was like: & # 39; Okay, I can do this don't do it anymore. I have to change something because I am going to end with nothing & # 39 ;.
"It was when I realized that I just really, really have no control, because I really didn't want to do it and it still was."
& # 39; I am not even upset, I am an alcoholic & # 39;
Kirk spent time coaching his son's baseball team during his absence from golf
Now, as he prepares to return to Mexico as world number 303 next week, Kirk says it feels "great" to have a "New and better chapter to start in" my life. "
" From this overwhelming fear and concern of the future have gone to now only pure excitement and embrace that I don't know what will happen because nobody knows what is going to happen, "he says.
" You spend all that time controlling things and controlling what is going to happen and the more I let go and the more I have embraced that uncertainty, how I can be happier every day.
"I don't know what I'm going to do tomorrow. I don't know what I'm going to do the next day, but it's all good. I know I'm coming back to play some golf and if I enjoy it and there being successful in that, that's great. If not, that's good too. "
Kirk was also touched by the support he received.
"I think the shame of all this has disappeared," he says. "That's why I like to talk about it so much. It's Algoed. I'm not even angry that I'm an alcoholic. It's fine
"It's just something else that I'm dealing with, but everyone has things they have to deal with. Everyone has problems. Everyone has things they work on that they have to work on. This happens to be my thing.
"It doesn't make me bad. In recent months it has made me a much better person who I have realized and have taken action to do something about it.
" Hope now I that someone will read this story and see that there is a way out. "